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Friday, June 13, 2014

Happy Father's Day to hubby this Sunday (and tips on how to talk to the guy)

Every once in a while, I think back to the days when Honey (that's my hubby's name..not really. But that's what I call him) and I were dating. Of course, you all know what I'm talking about. The world was in your hands. Everything was (relatively) perfect. You could sit for hours at a restaurant...usually fast food (who could afford a sit-down??) and just talk. Or you would sit in the car, trying to drop him off at home for about 3 hours, and just talk. Or you would walk around the lake and talk. "Should we pay for all (if any) of our kids college? What if we lived in MN? What do you think of discipline? What's your goal with your business? How many kids do you think we'll have? Do you have any names picked out? (...cuz...I do. since about 5th grade) Should we play volleyball tonight? or go skate at Ozzy Ice?" etc etc...

Then you get married. Then you start having kids. And you stop talking (at least to each other..the kids don't let you stop talking completely). Where did the communication go? Do you know what your hubby thinks about all these topic (and more)? Has he changed his mind? Is he even alive? (sometimes I wonder...but yep, still breathing thankfully).

Now I'm definitely not one to boast that I've been successful in this area. I most assuredly need reminders. In fact, we decided to go on a "date" once a week...even for just a couple hours. It sounds like exactly what any marriage councilor would recommend. Perfect. So, off we go on a date. Last week, we went shopping and ran errands. This week we went shopping and ran errands. Next week we'll probably go shopping and..WAIT A MINUTE. Just how much visiting do you think we got in, in the middle of all the racks? "Hey Honey, does Reagan need a new swimshirt?" "yah" Bliss. Wow, this is the stuff dreams are made of. Not. My 15 year old romantic self would weep if I knew my own future.

So I told Honey on the way home. We will NOT go shopping or run errands on our date night. It is SOOOOO incredibly tempting to do! Gotta get stuff DONE don't 'cha know?? Yes. I do know. But no. This is how you lose yourself (and your spouse) in a marriage. Don't get me wrong. I love Honey more with each passing year, and I thank God he gave Honey to me. I actually couldn't have imagined how perfect he was for me, even while dating and first married (crazy how kids will test your marriage like no other). But, we just don't talk like we used to. I understand that you can't as much once kids come, but it is SO INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT to make the effort (and yes, sometimes it's an insane amount of effort to go on a date) often. Not just once a year either. But often (you decide what that means).

So how can you communicate with the silent man on the other side of the table (funny....I probably dreamed of that "strong and silent" man as the 15 year old..I mean, now I got it and the silent part drives me bananas).

Here's a few tips:

1. Ask him about something you KNOW he loves. Don't tell my Honey, but I've done this often with him. It's actually insanely easy. "So Honey, how's your golf game?" "What kind of jobs did you do at work today?" or "What would you like to do on your truck next?" I usually have to reign him in after that. But the trick is, to get him started. After talking about your selected topic for a bit (and actually, I'm genuinely interested, simply because I love Honey) you can then veer the conversation to other topics of interest. "Oh, do you think Easton could come with you again to the range? How IS he doing with golf? You know, Reagan is really swinging the clubs well...." and off you go.





2. DON'T try to start any conversation the second they walk in the door. Moms can multi-task and switch direction at the drop of a hat. Not Dads. He is in one mode, and has yet to transition out of it. Of course, you don't need to lead him kindly to the couch, prop his feet up and offer him a Dr. Pepper (wow. Honey would wonder what I wanted)...at least not every day. :) But if you want any sort of meaningful communication, it'll have to wait for a bit. Frankly, anytime the kids are awake, you won't get any sort of lengthy conversation. So save it for a date, after kids go to bed or before they wake up.




3. BE DIRECT. I really can't emphasize this enough. THEY WILL NOT GET YOUR HINTS OR READ YOUR MIND. Yes, I understand that you want him to WANT to help you with the dishes, but it just...well...it just will not happen. This has been difficult for me, but I'm getting there. "Honey, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed and tired, would you do the dishes?" Voila...! Dishes are done. I used to sigh...yawn...look at the dishes with exhaustion in my body language....look at Honey with pleading in my eyes...well you get the picture. But he certainly didn't. "You got something in your eye dear?" ...double sigh.. 


So now that it's all said and done, you will have no problems communicating with your husband. Right. ....But at least it may help. :) Marriage is work. Period. Don't ever forget that...(and yes, it's happiness and contentment as well, but not without work).

Wish your hubby a Happy (upcoming) Father's Day from me. They are worth it :)

-Lauri

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