It was 5 am on Mother's Day morning and I couldn't sleep. I had gotten up to nurse my baby boy, and simply couldn't fall back to sleep. Finally, I gave it up and got up around 6 am. I sunk into my chair wearing my robe and sipping some freshly brewed coffee, and jotted down my thoughts.
It was Mother's Day. What is a mother? Well if you had participated in #WHPmamatoldme on Instagram (follow me @mylittleclothesline) or had used the hashtag #WonderfulMOM on twitter (follow us @mylittleclothes), you would have seen many different ways people view "Mother". However, if you were to google "Mother" you would see a couple definitions. The noun definition is "a woman in relation to a child or children to whom she has given birth." The verb is "bring up a (child) with care and affection". I would guess most of us think of the verb definition in reference to "Mother's Day".
As I pondered Mother's Day, sitting in the blissful quiet that comes from sleeping children, I thought about the change that has come about in society regarding motherhood. I have spoken with my grandmother, as well as mother, and I've seen a shift happen through time. In my grandmother's time, mother's simply didn't work outside the home. Granted, there are exceptions to every rule (in fact, my grandmother herself worked). In my mother's time, some mothers did work outside the home, but only out of absolute necessity. It hasn't taken long, but in my generation, mother's are almost EXPECTED to work. One almost feels a need to defend the choice in being a "Stay At Home Mom". Have you no drive? No ambition? No need for personal growth?
These are the thoughts that had me up at wee hours in the morning.
There are no clear cut answers, and this dilemma is not new to me. I have many friends who are in the work force, many who have stayed home since their first child was born and many in the middle (both in the work force and stay at home, depending on hours). I personally have been in the work force and a stay at home mom, while having children.
I was in a well paid job, with only a year left to earn my special education teaching certificate, when my first child was born. He was about 2 months old while I finished up a capstone for a two year assistive technology certificate I was enrolled in. With all the stress involved with your first baby, I was simply functioning.
Eat. Sleep (if possible).....and Baby.
In robotic fashion, I signed up for the next semester. I was enrolled and received the book list for the classes. I remember staring at the list, wondering what my priorities were. What did I want in life? Not in a year or two, but in 10 years. 20 years. 50 years. After my faith, that little scrunched up baby bundle was on the top of my priority list.
It was a revelation.
I dropped my classes.
Now does this mean I think moms should quit their jobs/educational pursuits and sit at home folding laundry, day in and day out?
No.
I firmly believe that every single person should be, at ALL TIMES, pursuing personal growth and education (formal or informal).
Is this EASY with kids?? NO. Is it possible?? Absolutely.
After deciding to re-group and drop out of school (yes, that word "drop-out" made me cringe), I continued to work outside the home. The benefits were needed (by hubby was still getting his business off the ground), the pay was great, the hours were fantastic and, most importantly, I adored the special needs young man I worked with. What could I complain about??
My children (I worked until my third was born) would C.L.I.N.G. to me when I got home. I was lucky enough to have wonderful relatives who cared for them, and I never EVER worried about the kids while I was at work. And yet. I fought this guilty feeling. My kids needed me. Their mother.
As life would have it, that wonderful young man graduated around the time my third child was born, and I no longer had a personal attachment to my job. My hubby's business had picked up, and I finally made the decision to come home. OH, IT WAS SCARY! Only one income?? Paying for our own benefits?? What if my hubby's business went south?? WAS I CRAZY?!
We took the leap of faith. Not to worry, we certainly planned for the future as best we could, but you don't know what that future holds.
There are still no guarantees in life. I could be working again next year, or in ten years. Or never again. We don't know what that future holds, but I do know one thing. My kids will always have mom at home, as long as I'm able.
Do I still have time for personal growth? Yes. I get up at 5 am. I read books. I read magazines. I listen to podcasts while folding laundry, washing dishes and cleaning the house. And guess what? When my kids need me, I simply press "pause".
As Lotte Bailyn said:
"Instant availability without continuous presence is probably the best role a mother can play"
Mylittleclothesline.com started as a by-product of many different interests, but in the lead was this need for me to grow, while letting my kids take the top slot on my priority list (even now, I work a few hours a day and simply hire out the rest...instead of trying to put in more hours myself).
My life is by no means perfect. As a mother of now 4 boys (ages 4.5 and under), there are days I envy my husband as he walks out the front door. There are truly miserable days. There are truly delightful days.
But I want, no NEED, to mother my children. We might have to pitch a tent in the backyard instead of a trip to Hawaii, but I think they'll be okay with that. We might eat "out" at Costco, instead of Red Lobster, but I think they'll be okay with that. Their first bike might not have the shiny "new-ness" from the store, but I think they'll be okay with that. Mom is sleeping next to them on the hard ground, Mom is eating that greasy pizza next to them, Mom is helping them learn to ride that garage sale bike. Mom is there. And that's all the matters to them.
You've read my (continuous) quest to find balance. My earnest question for mothers everywhere is simple:
How have you found balance in your life?
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